Weekending 5/21/16: Alf (and my decent into madness)

  • Introduction

Alright, so Sunday I held 3 games in front of my wife. Disney’s Quackshot Starring Donald Duck, Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker (lol), and Alf for the Sega master system. I told her whatever game she picks I will be doing for my next blog entry. Unfortunately for me she decided on Alf. In the 1980s, Alf had taken the world by storm. It was a very popular tv show, they had toys, games, dolls…..Everything….including a video game No one even remembers or knows about. My parents bought me this game for Christmas one year during the height of his popularity. I remember the game as being some what confusing and weird however my cousin Jeff, yet again (see my first entry StarFox) proved to me that he can figure out the impossible and can beat the game. It took him a few days but he did it right in front of me. So the advantage this week is I didn’t need any guides or walkthroughs or hints, I had a great memory and I had remembered how he got through it… SO let’s get started!


  • Day 1

Or…..not. The little guy this evening had a rough time sleeping, I don’t remember what I fed him but he was so gassy it took him forever to go to sleep, I really only had time to eat dinner and go to bed. By the time I went to sleep he was fine. So it wasn’t an all night thing like a few weeks ago thank god. Once a certain time hits and I have to go to work the next morning, I’m done for the night so I wasn’t getting back up. First night was shot.




  • Day 2

I started on this day. Now this is gonna sound stupid, well most of the game is really stupid but when you start Alf, the first thing you need to do is open up the fridge and get the roll of salami. So you can Fight off the Bats in the cave that is in the basement……I kid you not. This is the first major step, and this is when the Hell Started.  The Hit detection in this game is so horrid that you die even if a bat gets close to you. Let me add you get 5 lives a continue another 5 lives and that’s it…One hit kills, and EVERYTHING KILLS YOU! The Bats are completely random and go in these weird patterns, No matter how much you swing that salami, if they get above you, You are Dead. Besides that there is a rat chasing you in the cave forcing you to go forward so you can’t take you time. When I was younger I watched Jeff get passed this part with out even using the salami weapon…..are you serious? We were kids then! I’m a 33 year old adult. Once you get through the cave there is a shack that has 50 dollars in it, you get that and you have to back track through the cave and leave the house to go to the store….or you can just die in the cave where it puts you back to the beginning.By the time I got out of the cave and got to the store I remember you had to buy a key sop you can unlock the doors in the house to get the swimsuit so you can swim to the bottom of the lake IN THE BACKYARD OF THE HOUSE YOU START IN! Seriously? I don’t remember that from the show, The Tanners having a lake in their backyard. Anyway this part is just as hard as the cave, There are catfish weird hermit crab things and scuba divers shooting harpoons at you. the goal is to get the treasure and get to the bottom, where a giant oyster has a pearl in its mouth which you need to get as well for extra cash so you can buy more crap at the stores. Well I burned through all my lives and continue at this segment, So I quit without throwing my controller. Enough of this crap for the night! I moved on to Doom for ps4 which was a better choice by far.


  • Day 3

The little guy didn’t sleep well after I went to bed the night before.His allergies seemed to have been bothering him, so he was kinda up most of the night, So tonight I was tired and fed up with how difficult Alf was. I decided that I was just going to play mindless Doom for Ps4 again that night. Just Aim and fire….no thinking just hi-def gore at it’s finest.



  • Day 4

I made a little progress today, not by much though.  Once you get the pearl and the treasure you have enough money to buy 2 more items you need. One is a ladder, to cross a huge gap in the cave with the bats…again… and the other item is a lantern so you can see and go further into the cave….with the bats…..and the bologna…..test of patience.. Now at this point I forgot what the Alf book does in the game, So I bought it and you know what happens? You want to know? GAME OVER!!! What the hell? Why even put that item in the game! Why does the book make the game end?!?!?!? So angry, I had to start over again. and go through all this crap again…It didn’t happen tonight, couldn’t make it past the first part of the cave…. shaking my head and just getting incredibly angry I just turned off the game and went to bed. The game was literally driving me insane. Plus I was starting to make costly mistakes……I must have been getting tired.. The kid and I spent all day together. We went to the Aquarium and he absolutely loved it. Didn’t want to end such a wonderful day on a sour note. So I just cleaned up and went to bed.


  • Day 5

Screw Alf. Seriously. I needed an extra day to recoup and hopefully finish this game….from what I remember after you go through the second part of the cave you get fuel for a scooter that is on the roof of the garage so you can fly it up to a space station to get a space suit needing the last of the money you have so you can fly to the moon to pick up a ship repair kit so you can repair your ship and send Alf home, I kid you not…..that’s the game!  Dumbest game I’ve ever played. Maybe I can do it tomorrow… Maybe…



  • Day 6(and the day I lost my mind)

This was it. Do or Die, I had to complete it today or it was going back into the backlog for another day. On my first run I was flawless, got everything I needed and did everything I had to do. Once I got to the scooter it was all gravy right? Nope…. That part is just as hard as the rest of the game. You scroll upwards while trying to dodge comets and sputnik spaceships. I could almost taste victory thats when I fell short. Just couldn’t get to the moon which is the final part of the game. Once I died I started over again, I was so withdrawn and flustered that I just couldn’t get past the beginning cave with the bats. Just lost focus…and was really getting pissed and pissed. I couldn’t do it anymore I was going insane. How??? How could such a simple game be so hard?



  • Conclusion

Alf Sucks. Don’t play this game unless you want to lose your mind. The worst part about this game which I can’t wrap my head around is, after I was defeated by this stupid game. I checked long plays on youtube of it and people were beating the whole game in under 8 minutes!!! 8 Minutes!!?!?!? It’s that short, and apparently that easy for some… So maybe someday I will get back to this pile of horse crap that is this poorly designed game and hopefully be triumphant. Damn it Jeff you got 2 on me now!!






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